Writings from a dream journal I took on an ayahuasca retreat in Costa Rica. The first section was written between our first and second night of ceremony. I was reflecting on a feeling of not belonging.
We drink again tonight. I glimpsed into the portal space last night but only found echos of my own mind.
What is my intention for tonight?
Belonging — where do i belong in this world? I feel outside this group and all groups. I feel an island–adrift at sea. I feel as an ALIEN in a strange world. What is behind that? What is my place in this group, society, history? Who do I blong to? Where do I fit?
I will meditate, sing, and pray to this word–BELONGING–we will see what mother Ayah has to say on the subject.
What do I have to say?
I don’t fit, too big.
My ego is constructed from an adversarial relation to the norm. I’m above average in many measures.
I came into this world against the norms, I had to do it my own way. Cut from my mother’s belly.
I attended alternative schools and once I was in “normal” school I refused to play along–a breach student.
Alternative, artistic, and weird. Never fitting in, never wanting to fit in. Even in a gang of misfits.
Was I alienated from my college friends? Have I always felt apart?
I would visit other families for Christmas, I wouldn’t go home for break. I’m always on the look out, for what?
Something new and exciting.
What happened in 9th grade? My friends go ahead of me? I wasn’t ready for making out and sex. Why did I remove myself?
I am the one opting out. I do not join the circle. Is it really so simple that I fear loss? Fear rejection? Am I unable to open an undefended heart?
My first chosen friends Frank and Ariel. My friend Kate. All the people I have belonged to
This was written after the two nights of ceremony.
I am an expression that extends through time.
I am an aspect of a timeless form, an archetype.
I have say in countless circles, belonging to countless tribes through time.
I am star dust, part of a living web that has been singing the song of life for time immortal. I am part of the universe and can join in, add my voice, at any time. When I release ego, self consciousness, my voice always has a place to fit. There is always a seat at the cosmic table for me.
I belong to a line of humans that winds back through time. I have a liniage going back to the first man, back to before we were man.
I am an animal and I belong to all the other animals in the kingdom of god.
My friends are my friends. I belong to them and they to me. All I have to do is be in the circle with them. I belong were I belong. I belong where I belong.
I am energy, I belong to the universe. I am made into one along with everything else. I am part of a whole and I am whole as a part.
I am not nobody, I am not somebody.
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