Writings from a dream journal I took on an ayahuasca retreat in Costa Rica. The first section was written between our first and second night of ceremony. I was reflecting on a feeling of not belonging.

We drink again tonight. I glimpsed into the portal space last night but only found echos of my own mind.

What is my intention for tonight?

Belonging — where do i belong in this world? I feel outside this group and all groups. I feel an island–adrift at sea. I feel as an ALIEN in a strange world. What is behind that? What is my place in this group, society, history? Who do I blong to? Where do I fit?

I will meditate, sing, and pray to this word–BELONGING–we will see what mother Ayah has to say on the subject.

What do I have to say?


I don’t fit, too big.

My ego is constructed from an adversarial relation to the norm. I’m above average in many measures.

I came into this world against the norms, I had to do it my own way. Cut from my mother’s belly.

I attended alternative schools and once I was in “normal” school I refused to play along–a breach student.

Alternative, artistic, and weird. Never fitting in, never wanting to fit in. Even in a gang of misfits.

Was I alienated from my college friends? Have I always felt apart?

I would visit other families for Christmas, I wouldn’t go home for break. I’m always on the look out, for what?

Something new and exciting.

What happened in 9th grade? My friends go ahead of me? I wasn’t ready for making out and sex. Why did I remove myself?

I am the one opting out. I do not join the circle. Is it really so simple that I fear loss? Fear rejection? Am I unable to open an undefended heart?

My first chosen friends Frank and Ariel. My friend Kate. All the people I have belonged to

I Belong

This was written after the two nights of ceremony.

I am an expression that extends through time.
I am an aspect of a timeless form, an archetype.
I have say in countless circles, belonging to countless tribes through time.

I am star dust, part of a living web that has been singing the song of life for time immortal. I am part of the universe and can join in, add my voice, at any time. When I release ego, self consciousness, my voice always has a place to fit. There is always a seat at the cosmic table for me.

I belong to a line of humans that winds back through time. I have a liniage going back to the first man, back to before we were man.

I am an animal and I belong to all the other animals in the kingdom of god.

My friends are my friends. I belong to them and they to me. All I have to do is be in the circle with them. I belong were I belong. I belong where I belong.

I am energy, I belong to the universe. I am made into one along with everything else. I am part of a whole and I am whole as a part.

I am not nobody, I am not somebody.


Just spoke with Wes. He is really kicking ass, this guy seems like the real deal (or completely full of shit). He is getting Holegencia

Stop Moving

In October it will have been 3 years since I left my apartment in Crown Heights and set off on some kind of adventure. So

occupiing wallstreet

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